1. Exercise is always a waste of time.
And sport, in general, is confusing and scary — so best avoided.
2. Fashion is very, very important.
One must praise it like a shrine.
3. Fashion can sometimes be woefully impractical though, and it is in those circumstances that you need to take matters into your own hands.
Wear the thong, don’t let the thong wear you like you’re clothes on a washing line.
4. You never need a “good reason” to get blind drunk.
“It’s a Wednesday” is as good a reason as any.
5. Sometimes people need to be brought down to size.
And the best way is with the sharpest of tongues.
6. Other people’s disapproval should be fuel to your fire.
7. As long as you blindly believe in your own self-worth, EVERYTHING will be fine.
And ignore every piece of criticism you hear that alludes to the contrary, because you just don’t need it.
8. Vodka. ‘Tis a blessed thing.
9. But beware its powers, for they are mighty.
If you underestimate it, it will come for you.
10. Be ambitious in all that you do.
Think big. Big hair, big dreams, big measures.
11. But it’s more important to know when to relax, and to take it hugely seriously.
12. Even the best of us have the odd memory lapse.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. S’cool.
13. There simply must be champagne.
Ideally, it should be accessible every time you pause for breath.
14. The tyranny of exercise CANNOT be stressed enough.
It’s a curse.
15. But that doesn’t you can’t THINK about MAYBE going on a diet.
16. Abandoning the idea within 30 seconds doesn’t make you a bad person at all though.
If anything, it’s proof that you’re sane.
17. Live fast, recover tomorrow, regret nothing.
18. And most importantly, best friends are forever. Even when said friend is a drunken, irresponsible cow.
