1. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.
2. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
3. Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.
4. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
5. Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted.
6. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child… pick your favorite.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
8. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.
9. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
10. We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!
11. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!
12. Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
13. Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is outside on the wing. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.
14. We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at United Airlines.
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