There are many people who follow the same path of growing up, getting married and having children. If you ask any of them about their decision to have kids, they would admit that it was one of the best decisions they ever made in their life. If you continue to ask them questions, however, they will eventually let you know that there was also some stress that went along with the decision as well.
Not all adults want to have children and some are perfectly happy with their decision to remain childless. That is where one Reddit user came in. They decided to find out how people deal with the choice of not having children. When the responses started to come in, they were actually much more telling than most people ever thought possible. Just see for yourself:
1.
My husband & I are in our 50s & have been married 19 years. We both grew up with abusive dads, were the “smart kid” in the family, got the hell out ASAP, worked our way through college & made something of ourselves before meeting & getting married. A lot of common ground & we’ve built a strong, rock-solid marriage.
We considered having kids, but after working so hard on healing from the childhood abuse & escaping the cycle of poverty we grew up in, we decided long ago that just the two of us was enough. We still consider ourselves a family and we’ve been really happy with our life together. Our home is peaceful & that’s the thing we care about the most.
If I had to choose now, knowing what I do, between becoming a mother & having the marriage & home life I now enjoy, it’s absolutely no contest. Zero regrets.
2.
We’ve been married twenty years. We are both 50. Neither of us wanted to bring children into our family.
I spent a WONDERFUL afternoon with my 16 year old niece yesterday. We talked about her boyfriend, picked blackberries and discovered a woodland clam [fingernail mussel] living in a mud puddle [vernal pool] in the woods, which we named Fred. It was magical. I just adore her.
Not having kids is just as normal as wanting kids, I’ve always felt.
Zero regrets.
A gender sociologist at the University of Maine, Amy Blackstone has spent years looking into childfree lifestyles. She says: “”Right now, girls in particular, but girls and boys both, are raised to imagine themselves as parents of children. But if we more critically thought about the question of whether or not to parent, then everyone would have the opportunity to make the choice that’s right for them.”
“Of course, the childfree would benefit… if we made it a choice rather than an assumption,” Blackstone said. “But I think parents would benefit, too.”
3.
“No regrets. Not everyone wants them, and if you’re not sure, it’s best to hold off. Having ambivalent (or worse) parents does a real number on a kids self esteem.”
Blackstone spent up to 90 minutes interviewing each of 31 people about their childfree life decision. It was a small study but the results do show that childfree couples are not selfish.
She hopes that she can continue her research and expand on it in the hopes that people will not have to defend their choice to live without children.
4.
“Well…I’m a dude in a relationship with a dude. 26 years. We could have had children but didn’t. Have plenty of nieces and nephews to spoil.
Also…we’ve been able to save and we are retiring this week. I’m 54.”
5.
“Mid-40s, married for 22 years. No regrets. We’re both extremely happy – we have a great marriage, fulfilling jobs, money (and time) for all the fun things we want to do, and as much travel as we want (currently on week 6 of a 7 week road trip). I have never felt a lack in my life for not having children, and have always felt that having children would be detrimental to my happiness. I’m sure it’s great for those that actually want kids, but I’ve never been one of those people.
I also have around 16 nieces and nephews, so we get to sort of experience that whole “having a kid” thing for a week or two at a time…and then send them home, which works out perfectly.
Our two cats and one dog are as close to having kids that we will ever have, and trust me – that’s about as much responsibility for someone else’s life as we should be given. I love our pets, but having a dog has very firmly shown me that it’s a good thing we never had kids.”
6.
“I’m not a couple, just a person. I’ve been in lots of relationships and was married twice. I would not have made a good parent. Regret sometimes I wasn’t born into a different life, but given the cards I was dealt… I think I made the right choice in that department and have no regrets.”
7.
“Every kid I don’t have is like $186,000 I don’t need to make.”
8.
“My husband and I are 48. Not having kids is a huge relief, still. We get to travel, have a nice house, walk around naked if we want, and I have disposable income to support causes that are important. My life is fulfilling and happy.”
9.
“I love my life. Kids never factored into it. I never wanted them, so simply didn’t have them.
Having never wanted them, I don’t think about having missed out on anything or that I’m lesser for it.
Children aren’t mandatory”
10.
“We’re both in our mid 40s. When we got married in our mid 20s we were trying to have kids, until we realized that we were pretty much just doing it because it was expected of us by family. I decided to not get pregnant and my husband has supported my decision.
After a few years my husband started having spotty employment due to health issues and ended up on disability. We don’t know if he’ll ever be able to work again or what his long term health will be like. We were concerned that he wouldn’t be able to contribute to a child’s life, either financially or by providing care. Plus I found out I have fertility issues and it would be very expensive and difficult, if not impossible, for me to get pregnant. Also I’ve realized in the last few years that 1) my upbringing qualifies as abuse and I’m more like my abuser than I’m comfortable admitting; 2) I don’t want to treat a kid the way I got treated but I’m afraid it would be inevitable without a crap ton of ongoing therapy for the entire family; and 3) I realized that I just don’t really like kids that much. Having a kid around for a couple hours? Fine. 24/7 for minimum 18 years? No thanks.
Sometimes I worry that when we’re old we’ll be alone and regret it then, but we have plenty of nieces and nephews, and the fear of the possibility of regret thirty or forty years from now isn’t a valid reason to get pregnant IMO.”
11.
“I’m approaching 60, husband is approaching 70, and we get that question a lot. We know we made the right choice. I’m a teacher, so I’ve spent my life working with wonderful kids, but simply never wanted to go home to more kids after work. We don’t know who will take care of us when we’re decrepit, but adult children are no guarantee of having care in old age.
However, I think we both miss having grandchildren to take places, Christmas is quiet, and family barbecues are non-existant. That part is a bit sad.”
12.
“I’m a 49 year old female and have never regretted my decision to not have kids. I think I’ve always been missing the mommy gene. I like not having the responsibilities and obligations (and expenses!) that go along with having kids.”
13.
“I’m going to give you the different answer. I met my guy at 26. I was ready for kids at 32. He started stalling, hoping to run my clock out. I thought I was ‘too old’ to find someone new in time to have kids.
I tried to accept it. To find something else to give my life purpose. I have a fulfilling professional career. I donate. I volunteer. I care for my older family members. I have friends.
But, you know what? I never got over my anger and resentment of being denied children. Last year, after 20 years together, I ended things.
Now I’m back to looking at ways to become a Mom, however that happens. I have my own frozen eggs. I’m open to fostering or adopting.
And I don’t regret leaving my ex, not even a little. I feel resentment, and cheated.
For what it’s worth, Embryo adoption is also a thing. It’s far more cost effective than domestic infant adoption, and you can generally do it until age 55, after that on a case by case basis.
Some people can move past it, others can’t until they have exhausted every possible outlet. I’m in the latter category. I wish you peace, with whatever you decide.”
14.
“I always thought I’d wake up one day and be clucky and ready to start a family. That day never came and I’m pushing 50 now so I’ve missed my chance.
I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake not having kids but its not something i really regret.
On the plus side, I am looking at retiring with a 6 figure income at 52, regularly donate and do charity work. In-fact I am looking at starting my own charity at the end of the year to dedicate more time to when I retire.
In some ways not having children has/will allow me to help more people than just my immediate family.
My suggestion is do what feels right, either way its a big decision that only you and your partner should make.”
15.
“I’m not that old (37) and I’m not a couple, but I didn’t have kids and I can say undoubtedly, I wouldn’t have accomplished the things I am very proud of in my life if I’d gone down the family route.
My nieces and nephews are enough for me, and I can give them back and won’t be held responsible for how they turn out. It’s honestly not a bad deal at all”
16.
“I’m 41 and chilling, do what I want when I want, no money issues, so I’m happy. I never felt like I wanted kids, I just didn’t feel I would be a good parent, so I think it would be irresponsible on my part. People still like to tell me I just “haven’t found the right girl yet” but I tell them the right girl is one who doesn’t want to have kids. Not sure why it’s such a big deal, but no one has ever said “good for you, that’s awesome”. Kinda f**ked up there’s enough people on this planet already.”
17.
“My husband and I have been together for 27 years, and we originally said we didn’t want kids. Then we thought we should have some, and tried for a decade with no luck. So we had a serious talk, and decided we didn’t really want them after all, and stopped trying. Now that the pressure is off and we both feel nothing but relief, we are enjoying life so much. It’s wonderful to just be selfish without having to make excuses or feel resentful and be able to travel on our own schedule and make decisions that just impact us. If we could have had kids naturally, no harm, no foul, and we would have loved and accepted them, but it didn’t happen, so no worries. And we also don’t have to worry about f*cking up another human accidentally. Life is good, and we have the finances and resources to take care of ourselves. The only negative is that we are both the end of the line for our genetic ancestors. But that doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to try the crazy fertility treatments beyond what we already did.”
18.
“I’m 60 now, been married for 29 years. God did not provide me with the proper temperament to raise children. Have never regretted our decision to be child free. We’re good”
19.
“I fear the answer to this. I’m ambivalent about kids. But I’ll never forget holding the hand of a man on his last day in hospice as he said ” Oh God, I wish I’d had a child.”
He was married to one woman for close to 50 years, taught for nearly 40. His room was filled with cards and photos from former students, friends, and family. It’s impossible to say if he was lucid, but the regret in his voice was heartbreaking.
I say now I’d be happy with children or none; biological, adopted, or step, but until the end I won’t ever know.”
20.
“My wife and I have been married for 12 years – I am 36 and she is 40, so, yeah, likely not in the cards. It is a reality that, while tough, I am slowly learning to accept.
I realized that as a guy, I always look at having kids with rose-colored glasses – ball games, working on my classic car with them, dad jokes, the fun stuff. That’s easy for me as it’s not my body and sacrifice. My wife is not on board and it’s her body and I love and respect her to much to force her hand. If either one of us are not 100% ok with a major decision, we don’t do it, end of discussion.
I look forward to spoiling my nieces and nephews and spending more time with my wife and continuing to make our world about us, forever.”
21.
“No regrets.
Until I was in my mid-20s I always thought I wanted kids. Then I stayed with a couple I knew who had toddlers. They were nice kids, but I remember one Saturday morning they poked me awake for cereal. It was an epiphany. I remember thinking “I will never want this.”
Fast forward several decades. Not too long ago I was at a family function with an 8 year old. He’s not a bad kid, but Christ it was just…loud. Everything was just really loud. XBox, talking all the time, interrupting with questions. Mind you, I’m not complaining about the childrens behavior. They were better than average, from what I can tell. I’m just celebrating my decision not to get involved.
I am soooo happy I did not subject myself to that.”
Source: Bored Panda